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19 October 2006 @ 12:13 am

hello everyone :)  i found this community through a bootblacking community i'm in.  i belong to a butch top, i call Hym Daddy with pride :)  we've been together for over two years now, and were friends for about 4 years before that.   we love to play, and i love to serve my Daddy as much as Hy loves to take care of me.  sadly, life gets in the way a lot of the time... we have kids and the recent death of my father which has lead to me spending more time with my mother and just... well life in general seems to plot against us.  

i'm in a state of depression, and trying to remember why i should keep breathing.  Daddy and my family help some days, but others i can convince myself they're all better off without me.  i'm trying to get my spark for living back, if that makes sense.  the last year was spent taking care of my father while cancer ate him away, and our leather relationship has suffered a bit.  thankfully the partnership and friendship remain strong.... we love eachother very much and Daddy has been wonderful through the hard times.

sorry to have rambled... i saw this community and wanted to be a part of it to get new ideas and rekindle my love of serving my Daddy.  doing things because i want to, not because i've had to as with my father, mother, children, etc.  i'm also interested in learning more about service in general, as this is my first experience with bdsm, butch tops, Daddy/girl, leather... you name it, i'm pretty new to it!  luckily Daddy has been involved in the leather community for about 15 years.

i'm normally quite a lurker but am trying to be more involved.  i tend to come off wrong, can be socially retarded for the most part but i mean well.  however i do here, thanks for letting me join the group!  nice to meet you all :)

Current Location: earth
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: keyboard tapping
(Deleted comment)
odins_freya on October 19th, 2006 03:01 pm (UTC)
nice to meet you to :) thanks
noyenoye on October 19th, 2006 02:19 pm (UTC)
Welcome!!! I'm sorry for the loss and hardship you have faced in the last years. I understand how that can put a strain on relationships but I'm glad to hear how supportive your Daddy and family are :)

odins_freya on October 19th, 2006 03:01 pm (UTC)
thank you for the welcome, and yes i've been lucky to have good support. i also have a best friend of 23 years to lean on.
the best kind of troublezevinboots on October 20th, 2006 01:06 pm (UTC)
Welcome. I'm not one of those who has ever had to balance the obligations of a service relationship with those of being a parent, and I'd be glad to have your perspective on the issues that might arise and how you deal with them.
odins_freya on October 23rd, 2006 07:37 pm (UTC)
service vs. life
i can try to explain my perspective, it's hard for me to explain my feelings here so i hope i get it out right. i keep typing, then i read it and don't feel like i'm getting it. bear with me please :) i tend to do service when i'm in girl space, feeling like Daddy's little girl makes me want to please Hym so i serve Hym more. i know it's different for everyone, so i wanted to say that first. my Daddy (who's name is Lynk) and i have no formal service agreement... i know what Hy likes done and i try to do those things but if i don't do them Hy does it Hymself usually. sometimes i'll get a look or Daddy will ask or tell me to do what needs to be done - if this happens i'll do what's asked. sometimes happily, sometimes bitchily, but i'll do it. i love the give and take of our relationship, appreciate everything done for me and to me, and like to take care of my Daddy... love it when i bring a smile to Hys face.

the hardest part of parenting for me is that it's difficult to switch from girl space to parent space at times. sometimes i can parent from girl space... depends on what the situation needs. if it's fixing them something to eat, or taking care of an injury, hurt feeling, or something like that i can handle it in girl space just fine. if they need to be talked to or discliplined, or if their school calls when i'm in girl space... i hope Daddy is near by. Lynk tries to handle things that need an adult when i'm little.

how far i am into girl space makes a big difference. if i'm just feeling little for no apparent reason it's easier to bounce back and forth. if we've been playing, and i'm zoned... it's like trying to act sober after 10 shots of alcohol! Lynk never leaves me alone after a scene so usually Hy just handles everything but there have been times the kids addressed me specifically and i'm standing there stammering trying to get my brain back to a coherent adult state! Daddy lets me squirm for a minute, usually chuckling, and then handles things for me.

our kids are aware of our leather relationship, we've discussed it and they do have ears! (it's hard to disguise the sound of a good beating.) Lynk and i have the same ideas about parenting, and we're both very open with information with the boys... not just about leather but about anything. we feel that kids get bad information from eachother because they're not comfortable talking with parents, and we don't want that to happen. they boys have been taught that the only stupid question is the one unasked, and they come to us for information about anything and everything under the sun. it gets awkward sometimes but it's worth it.

the other huge impact is time and energy. having three boys who are 19, 13, and 9 years old means that there's always kids at home. add to that the death of my father and the needs of my mother (5 acre place = maintenance and repairs) and we almost never have time together without kids in the house. by the time the day is done, and the kids are all in their bedrooms we're both pretty tired. the energy distrubition has been (in order): the boys, my mother, the house, eachother, and then ourselves. recently we've decided that we've got it backwards... boys and house don't give as much as they take, mother gives back but not the same as given, and giving energy to ourselves and eachother gives as much as it takes. we're trying that out now.

i feel like this explanation is akin to putting a bandaid on a gunshot... but hopefully you get what i'm saying. thank you for the question, it was fun trying to answer it :)